Phil said he would grab the coffees for us himself.
The summer weather had subsided and we were finally headed right into the milder months. The coffee would work wonders. I would feel relaxed and revived at the same time and not have to worry about it. The air outside coming in was finally manageable as the summer was in its’ final throws. I could start leaving the windows open, I could take out the air conditioner, not have to throw the cover off or attempt to tear my underwear off in the middle of the night. I could now sleep full clothed with the fluffy duvet yanked over my head and not wake up feeling sweaty. The sun wasn’t coming out as early as it had when I moved into my place a couple months ago. Then I didn’t have to set my alarm; one hint of sun through the black but somewhat sheer curtains would snap me out of whatever cycle of sleep I was in. Now I was lucky if I could get up at nine which I thought would be too late to get anything done especially given my schedule. Timing was important, everything that happened to me in this span of time has shaped me for better or worst. A lot of the time I tried to not think about certain things that had no relevance today especially since they weren’t part of my life anymore. I wouldn’t bring them up certainly not. I thought about the last semester and what went on trying to close my eyes and hold my breath remembering every single moment and emotion I have felt up to this moment. The last two months that have gone by have been harder than the first two. I have ignored or tried to avoid the relevance of the situation. What the worth of these feelings I was putting myself through? I was torturing what I was capable of in terms of how far I would go in the pursuit of obtaining what I wanted. In this case it was companionship; it was love. The concept of love and the ideal of happiness that I expected to follow suit with these qualities. Nativity was a personality trait that wouldn’t go unnoticed but I couldn’t avoid feeling overwhelmed by it. I put myself through enough when I was in deep with Mitch. Phil told me not to worry about any of it, the feelings that I couldn’t get past. There was that low hanging sense of abandonment I felt but was I truly abandoned or just forgotten? I couldn’t allow myself to contemplate what he could be or not be doing at this moment. That wouldn’t be fair to myself. Those things were out of my control right now but I couldn’t help it. Having the idea that anyone else in my shoes going through this brought a sense of comfort but only to be dashed when I realized it was silly and just a facade.
I haven’t heard from Mitch, not one word in those two months which felt like an eternity, a vast plain of time that had passed making our relationship fade away. The moment I ran out after catching him with Deb’s roommate, Janet, I swore that this was it and that there would be no more bullshit. No looking back. I didn’t expect Mitch to run after me witnessing that catastrophe and threw a couple gears into what was going on. The poor, stupid fool couldn’t make up his mind and whether or not he knew what he wanted whether it was being with me or was it being with a woman. There was no way of knowing for sure because I knew that every time I started to analyze every small minuet detail, I started to obsess over it and it became overwhelming. I could only read into what I know and what I experienced hands on, what I saw in my eyes. For now the important thing would be to attempt to focus on how I would be able to get over him, to forget. Forgetting the moments and the hours he gave me made my head hurt but I had to look into the future ahead.