Phil said he would grab the coffees for us himself.
The summer weather had subsided and we were finally headed right into the milder months. The coffee would work wonders. I would feel relaxed and revived at the same time and not have to worry about it. The air outside coming in was finally manageable as the summer was in its’ final throws. I could start leaving the windows open, I could take out the air conditioner, not have to throw the cover off or attempt to tear my underwear off in the middle of the night. I could now sleep full clothed with the fluffy duvet yanked over my head and not wake up feeling sweaty. The sun wasn’t coming out as early as it had when I moved into my place a couple months ago. Then I didn’t have to set my alarm; one hint of sun through the black but somewhat sheer curtains would snap me out of whatever cycle of sleep I was in. Now I was lucky if I could get up at nine which I thought would be too late to get anything done especially given my schedule. Timing was important, everything that happened to me in this span of time has shaped me for better or worst. A lot of the time I tried to not think about certain things that had no relevance today especially since they weren’t part of my life anymore. I wouldn’t bring them up certainly not. I thought about the last semester and what went on trying to close my eyes and hold my breath remembering every single moment and emotion I have felt up to this moment. The last two months that have gone by have been harder than the first two. I have ignored or tried to avoid the relevance of the situation. What the worth of these feelings I was putting myself through? I was torturing what I was capable of in terms of how far I would go in the pursuit of obtaining what I wanted. In this case it was companionship; it was love. The concept of love and the ideal of happiness that I expected to follow suit with these qualities. Nativity was a personality trait that wouldn’t go unnoticed but I couldn’t avoid feeling overwhelmed by it. I put myself through enough when I was in deep with Mitch. Phil told me not to worry about any of it, the feelings that I couldn’t get past. There was that low hanging sense of abandonment I felt but was I truly abandoned or just forgotten? I couldn’t allow myself to contemplate what he could be or not be doing at this moment. That wouldn’t be fair to myself. Those things were out of my control right now but I couldn’t help it. Having the idea that anyone else in my shoes going through this brought a sense of comfort but only to be dashed when I realized it was silly and just a facade.
I haven’t heard from Mitch, not one word in those two months which felt like an eternity, a vast plain of time that had passed making our relationship fade away. The moment I ran out after catching him with Deb’s roommate, Janet, I swore that this was it and that there would be no more bullshit. No looking back. I didn’t expect Mitch to run after me witnessing that catastrophe and threw a couple gears into what was going on. The poor, stupid fool couldn’t make up his mind and whether or not he knew what he wanted whether it was being with me or was it being with a woman. There was no way of knowing for sure because I knew that every time I started to analyze every small minuet detail, I started to obsess over it and it became overwhelming. I could only read into what I know and what I experienced hands on, what I saw in my eyes. For now the important thing would be to attempt to focus on how I would be able to get over him, to forget. Forgetting the moments and the hours he gave me made my head hurt but I had to look into the future ahead.
Title: Is This Desire?
Series: Only If Series #2
Author: R. Paone
Genre: M/M Contemporary Romance
Released: February 29, 2016
The continuing saga of the “Only If” Series.
He said, “Never stop.”
I said, “Never will.”
Devastated by the realization of Mitch’s misgivings, Robert has cast himself aside unable to process his current reality. Exposed to a love that is debilitating but also rewarding, he must now face the consequences of secrets, addiction, and desire if he is to continue forward with his heart and disregard his doubts.
Sooner or later, Mitch reappears in Robert’s life unable to break away from what he feels deep within as he questions the bond between them both. It is a domineering bond that could break at any moment by the forces meaning to keep them apart no matter what.
“Is This Desire?” documents the continuing story of a flourishing love as it grows at an increasing speed. As Robert faces Mitch’s demons, Mitch himself must reclaim his independence and sanity if they are ever to be together.
R.Paone started on this writing journey in June, 2014. From events that were beyond his control, he decided to start this new path in his life before my 30th birthday. It has been quite the journey mapping out this story arc. He has learned so much writing a novel in that it has been therapeutic and also eye opening as it evolves. He hopes everyone will enjoy what is to come from the “ONLY IF” series as I want this to be something anyone could reach for and say “that could happen to me.” Stay tuned! Three fun facts about him is: he live in NYC, has a vast horror movie collection and has a great appreciation for Enya.